…From a Princess to a Queen

Growing up I always loved Disney Movies.

Who didn’t want to be a princess?

I would prance around my house with my little tiara and oversized dress up clothes singing about my one true love.

Love.

Such a powerful 4 letter word. Some of us have been fortunate enough to fall in love with someone, others of us have had to experience the nightmare  of the hurt and heart ache that comes along when that love doesn’t work out.

I recently experienced one of the hardest heart aches of my life.

I firmly believed that I had met the man of my prayers and dreams. Due to this, I wanted him to put a ring on it.

Last year, I was a part of 7 weddings. Needless to say with so much “love and marital bliss” in the air I equally began to become enthralled with the idea that I was ready for a lifetime of marriage with my best friend.

In the Disney Movies we never see the princess hinting towards marriage. The man seems to just know that she is the one and within days is on one knee proposing.

I think this skewed view on how courting works has deeply affected society in a negative way. As a young girl I have grown up with this fairytale idea on love. Unfortunately, this is not a fairytale but instead the real world.

Now, as I sit single once again contemplating on love. I think about how that little girl princess now needs to move into being ready to be a Queen.

A Queen rules her own life. She rules the land. She doesn’t sit by waiting on a man. She makes her desires known and gets things done.

It can be a struggle growing out of this princess like attitude, but rewarding at the same time.

I have so far in the last few months started my road to grad school by paying out of pocket for my prerequisite classes and entrance exams. I signed up for a marathon and planned a two week trip to Europe.

I am starting to rule my own land, rule my own life, no longer waiting on the permission to start a life with a King by my side.

Let’s see how it goes,

Discovering a New Me

xoxo

Favorite Song currently…. “To cry shows that you are living”

… Don’t Look through the Curtains

  

Everyone thinks that we are perfect… I see things that nobody else sees. 

I did something I deeply regret. It was small. Like a paper cut, tiny, but the after math of the sting really hurts. 

I made a mistake. One that I would take back in a heart beat. But I can’t. 
I have always been someone who likes things clean. Neat. Tidey. And I will do whatever I can to make things appear that way. 

Sometimes that means stashing things under beds, piling things in a closet, doing whatever I can to make it “look” perfect. But in the end it isn’t really “clean” is it? 

The problem is just hiding. Lurking under the bed, ready to pop out of the closet. 

My guess is that I am not alone. 
 
How many of us do that with our life?

 We stash away the gross and unattractive part of our lives. 

We make ourselves look like we have this perfect life on social media. 

We appear to be living in a glass house where everything is out in the open, but truthfully, the curtains are drawn and we are melting away in a dusty box.

That is the main reason why I started this blog in the first place. I was tired of hiding, tired of stuffing away the things I was ashamed of. 

I lied. About something really stupid to someone. It was like the words rolled off my tongue before I could catch them. Even after I rebuddled and told the truth it was too late. The lie had happened. 

Love through imperfections.

 Last night I was reminded of grace- unmerrited favor.

 My life at this point can be explained in that one word. GRACE.

No matter how many times I have screwed up this past year God has shown me such grace. 

And lucky for me that person I lied to did too…

Discovering a new me= I will still make mistakes, I will still fail at times, but I thank God for grace. xo

Love this song! We all suffer from making life look perfect…

Doll House 🍓

…Mirror, Mirror, What a B****

 

 

 

Streaks of Masscara run down my face as I stare back at my reflection.

Never have I ever hated my body, myself so much.

Fat. I look at my arms and see giant sausages.

My stomach, if I suck in not flat enough… If I let it out normal, kill me now. Looks like a donut hanging from my gut.

Thighs. More like whales connected to my body.

Calfs thick like chicken drum sticks.

And my face…. My cheeks puff out like  a puff fish.

Through out the day I carefully count and track each calorie that touches my lips. 90, 120, 250, 500 STOP

Workout. 1 mile is for wimps, two miles for days I am tired, 3 miles ain’t bad, 4 miles better have a good pace, 5 miles is golden…

Dinner. Did you workout? Do you deserve it?

Yes- eat

No- purge

So I sit here. Worked late. Hung out with a friend. Too dark to run..

Dinner with Dad…. Oh no, now you know what you must do.

Tired. Hair pulled back. Toothbrush in hand.

Tears.

I have no strength to finish the act. I feel like a failure. I have failed my eating disorder. I have failed my recovery.

Clean up. Clean up my act. Get it together Hannah.

You are more then what that mirror portrays… You are.

 

Discovering a new me= good days and bad days and taking them as they come. But remembering what the Truth is in the end. xoxo

 

This song always gets me pumped up! It is our time to shine, we were born for such a time as this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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… Heads or Tails , Collarbones or Pizza

  

  
LIFE// what an adventure.

Do you ever find yourself stuck between two worlds? Caught at a cross way? 

Since being in recovery I find myself at an intersection every day. I have no complaints, life is good. I have a new job in Chicago, a new amazing boyfriend, a total turn around from 6 months ago.

And yet still I feel haunted. Haunted by thoughts. 

There are days I win and days I fall short. Days I say screw it I am grabbing life by the thorns and enjoying a candy bar and then there are days where old negative habits trickle in. 

And then revelation happens:

On the commute in to work the radio DJ said that we cannot all be winners… I would agree, but who said we can’t all be conquerors!

Discovering a New Me= learning to conquer one day at a time. xoxo 🔆

This song has given me so much Hope! He has been Faithful to me beyond what I deserve. I encourage you to check it out. Even on tough days His praise will be ever on my lips! #yearofHOPE2k15 🎈

Ever Be

… Thin>Happiness?

Magic. Madness. Heaven Sent.

Someone asked me why I don’t wear dresses as often anymore…

Truth: I want to hide my body.

Comfy BIG Sweaters// Leggings// And a pair of flats

Hiding.

We all do it.

Thin. Skinny. Little. Small.

Maybe you don’t think you are good enough or deserve something so you only aim for what you know you can achieve…

And more hiding.

67 days doesn’t cure everything.

One blog post of raw vulnerability doesn’t either.

The truth-

Everyday is a battle.

We all have a battle. It may be different for each of us but we keep pushing forward.

“If you can’t fly then run,

if you can’t run then walk,

if you can’t walk then crawl,

but whatever you do you have to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

Wise words Martin.

                                      Discovering a new me = choosing to move forward

Love this song! The only way out is through! xoxo

… Heaving Through Corrupted Lungs

“We are the reckless, The Wild Youth, Chasing Visions of Our Future”

Lately I have been referring to myself as a Hazard to Myself. (Yes, I am quoting PINK)

As things start to look up I can’t help but look back.

Where am I going?

Sometimes it just feels like  I am going in zig zags just trying to get from day to day.

Moments of happiness do sweep over me.

Yet,

I feel confused.

In the dark. And somehow in the light.

Worn out, and yet motivated.

Sick.

I feel sick.

Cry spells.

Like I am about to drown but I can see the shore.

Where am I going….

The question of the Ages xo

Discovering a New Me= Who is me?

… Four Five Seconds from Wilden

“See all of my kindness is taken for weakness…”

UGH… EXACTLY how I feel!

Boys. Are. Stupid. (No offense)

So sick of the BS that is always happening. And yes- I know my Christian friends are going to tell me

“It’s because you need to wait for the right one…”

“Be Patient.” “He is worth the wait…”

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Heck- I AM worth it, PERIOD.

I may sound a little bitter and it is simply because I am. 😉

Now I am the LAST person to brag about looks but however sometimes I think that is what some guys only see-

Beauty.

The rest is all- your “energetic” you need to “relax”

Sure, I wish I could be the “cool” girl who is all chill and laid back. BUT I AM FAR FROM IT.

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I am silly, I mess up jokes, I think I am funny (even though I am not lol)

I listen to raunchy rap and yes I like it!

I BLAST the heat the whole way home.

I am in love with iccees and taco bell. (graceful I know)

I can’t dance for crap, but I WILL BE the last person on that dance floor!

And I like to make silly bets, so sue me.

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We shouldn’t have to change for a person.

We are WORTH being able to be ourselves.

Why do I keep dating/seeing/courting with boys.

Boys who are clueless about what they want in life.

Sick. And. Tired.

In the words of TSwift it’s totally like:

“So hey, let’s be friends
I’m dying to see how this one ends”

On to the next? We shall see.

All I know is I am so ready for Friday night. Because I am four five seconds from wilden.

I swear…

Discovering A New Me- To boys, “don’t be mad cuz I’m doing me better then you doing you” 😉

…Webs

COMPLICATED.

I Hate that word.

And yet I feel like it describes my life to a t.

Lately, nothing seems to make sense.

Life isn’t bad-that is not what I am saying at all.

But it is far from simple.

Boys, family, health… it all seems to be a tangled up mess.

Webs. They are so intricate and almost invisible to the eye. 

And sneakily sticky.

I am afraid that I have been the spider spinning this unfortunate web.

And yet I can’t seem to stop spinning.

Discovering a New Me= Spinning Webs And Somehow figuring it All Out xoxo

I love how kids always just seem to go with the flow and live life! This video will bring a smile to your face! I promise!

 

 

 

 

 

 

… Are We Out of the Woods?

Am I in the clear yet?

I have been obsessed with the song “Out of the Woods” by TSwift.

It’s a new year. 2k15, thank God!

But I can’t help to think am I out of the woods yet?

2k14 was CRAZY. Literally, the worse and most complicated year of my life.

However, I decided that before I started a new year I had to let things go. So I did a balloon ceremony.

Sounds cheesy I know! However, I wanted to symbolize letting go of all the things I didn’t want to take with me in the new year.

Things such as REGRETS, EXPECTATIONS, FAILURES, EATING DISORDER, even BOYS…

I don’t need it. YOU don’t need it.

I have no idea what this new year will hold. But I pray that 2k15 will be good to us.

That in moments of complexity we will turn to simplicity.

And return to the basics.

Moments don’t define us, Mistakes can’t break us, they are only bumps in the journey.

No matter what- we continue to push forward.

We continue to be strong.

Because hey- it’s a new year 😉

Discovering a New Me= We may not be totally out of the woods yet, but believe that the clear is right ahead.

Push Forward.

GREAT cover of this song… Out of the Woods//Savannah Outen//Jake CoCo

 

… Princes & Glass Slippers F’em

I am starting to think that I don’t believe in Happy Endings.

Sad you say?

I don’t think so.

I use to think that there was this grand plan and that every little thing I did mattered.

And if I made one slip up the clock would strike midnight and I would never meet my Prince Charming.

But I ask this…

What if Cinderella did one more chore before she got ready for the ball?

What if she would have gotten in an argument with one of her step sisters?

Would the Prince have seen her at the Ball?

Would it have messed up the time line?

I don’t think so.

Truth is, my mistakes, my slip ups, just add to my story.

The more time I spend working through my own issues the more I realize who cares.

Who. Even. Cares?

The shoe was made to fit Cinderella, the dress was made to fit Cinderella.

She didn’t spend time trying to make herself fit anything.

Sometimes I think we forget that, often times I forget that!

The point is, she just showed up to a party after a long day of work to have a good time.

Did she want to meet the Prince? Sure.

But was her entire life before that night dedicated to getting ready to meet her Prince?

No. Instead she did her thing.

She worked on her character, her integrity, herself.

Not even knowing what the next night would hold.

I think we could all learn something from this fairy tale.

Not that everything has a happy ending-

but that a great ending starts with a great beginning.

The nice part is that unlike happy endings, fresh beginnings can start at any moment you choose.

Discovering a New Me= choosing fresh beginnings for myself today xoxo

Love mashups, “I use to care what people thought… We are all just ticking time bombs”